On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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