My room smells like vodka and shame
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
