At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
