I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
