I want to have your abortion
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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