remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We left the knife in your bed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
