i think my tv is drunk
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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