apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dick very happy bro
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize