can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
