just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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