Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
