I got chris browned last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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