Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
