Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
