I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
