I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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