I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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