just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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