please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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