I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
