Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize