"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the condom got lost in my hair
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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