I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I would fuck him just for his dog
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