The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We're too hungover to prance.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
