I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
