when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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