were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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