so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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