What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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