she was so not down for the gang bang
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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