I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize