If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
