If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
