Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
