god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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