Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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