She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
