Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
