im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
we're so committed to being not committed
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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