I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
