you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
