I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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