my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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