peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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