when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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