I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
