I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
