My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
