Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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