i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
