bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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