thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
