I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
