We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
