i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
