I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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